That’s What Joolie Said

Some doctor decided to prescribe Ambien to Joolie to help her sleep. The woman has been a known insomniac since birth.  She also has (let me say this gently) a freaking abnormally sensitive system when it comes to chemical substances.  Believe me – we were college roommates. Sadly, it seems that no drug in the world can make her sleep. In her own words, “I’m about to go all Michael Jackson propofol on this shiz.”

So, back to Ambien… Let’s start out by saying that she sincerely does not have a problem. We promise. BUT, Ambien wipes out her short term memory for some reason, and she cannot remember anything after she ‘falls asleep’ for the night. Thus, a new phenomenon has been born: She sends out Ambien-induced texts to not only me (her BFF), but also to her other friends, a few coworkers, NASA, Larry David, and Jehovah knows who else. It’s like drunken texting but with no booty call.

Because there are SO MANY of these texts, I will share a few doozies at a time. Check back for more of these little golden mental nuggets, as there is an ample supply.  Feast on these, my dears…

  • If you keep smelling hot sauce, does that mean you’re having a stroke?
  • I bet Woody Allen smells like hot sauce. Not sure why, but I feel like he probably does.
  • Nancy Reagan called.  She said to say “NO!!!”
  • It’s nobody’s business but the Turks.
  • My sheet won’t stop slipping off the corners of my bed. Gonna duct tape it. Take that sheet!
  • Dwarf planets battle. I pick Eris. You can have Pluto.
  • Ok. Remember in college when I made you promise that if they ever put me in a mental ward you would let them know that I am just like that and they can let me out? Still do that.
  • NaHCO3 (baking soda). I love being a nerd.
  • I hate everything with two X chromosomes except Thor, God of Thunder

Annnnd my personal favorite of the week:

  • Ice ice baby. Dungguta dungguta dungga. ICE ICE GOAT. BABBADA BAAABADA BAAAAAA.

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5 Responses to That’s What Joolie Said

  1. linda carter says:

    LOVE the bit about the mental ward!!!

  2. briandalion says:

    Just make sure the password to your ebay account is complex enough that you can’t buy sh*t while in an Ambien (r) trance. It is likely you will find wonderful, needful items – but let’s be real if you needed it that bad you would have made the purchase not while rollin’ in an Ambien high.

  3. toolies says:

    Briandalion -this is Roolie. Don’t give Joolie such ideas! I’m gonna end up with a giant 20 pound gummy bear or some other random mail order edible. Wait. That’s a good thing. Nevermind – um yeah – Joolie. Online shopping is a FANTASMIC last night idea! Thanks for the comment! 😉

  4. toolies says:

    Joolie here. FYI, the Ambien is no more. It was an experiment gone terribly awry. I understand, friends, that you might need some time to mourn the loss of the 2:00 AM texts about trying to read my dog’s thoughts or about how a haunted Cutco knife almost bagel-ed me to death. I will respect an appropriate grieving period for all involved.

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