Some doctor decided to prescribe Ambien to Joolie to help her sleep. The woman has been a known insomniac since birth. She also has (let me say this gently) a freaking abnormally sensitive system when it comes to chemical substances. Believe me – we were college roommates. Sadly, it seems that no drug in the world can make her sleep. In her own words, “I’m about to go all Michael Jackson propofol on this shiz.”
So, back to Ambien… Let’s start out by saying that she sincerely does not have a problem. We promise. BUT, Ambien wipes out her short term memory for some reason, and she cannot remember anything after she ‘falls asleep’ for the night. Thus, a new phenomenon has been born: She sends out Ambien-induced texts to not only me (her BFF), but also to her other friends, a few coworkers, NASA, Larry David, and Jehovah knows who else. It’s like drunken texting but with no booty call.
Because there are SO MANY of these texts, I will share a few doozies at a time. Check back for more of these little golden mental nuggets, as there is an ample supply. Feast on these, my dears…
- If you keep smelling hot sauce, does that mean you’re having a stroke?
- I bet Woody Allen smells like hot sauce. Not sure why, but I feel like he probably does.
- Nancy Reagan called. She said to say “NO!!!”
- It’s nobody’s business but the Turks.
- My sheet won’t stop slipping off the corners of my bed. Gonna duct tape it. Take that sheet!
- Dwarf planets battle. I pick Eris. You can have Pluto.
- Ok. Remember in college when I made you promise that if they ever put me in a mental ward you would let them know that I am just like that and they can let me out? Still do that.
- NaHCO3 (baking soda). I love being a nerd.
- I hate everything with two X chromosomes except Thor, God of Thunder
Annnnd my personal favorite of the week:
- Ice ice baby. Dungguta dungguta dungga. ICE ICE GOAT. BABBADA BAAABADA BAAAAAA.