A collection of late night often Ambien-induced texts
This, our dear friends, is the last of the archived Ambien texts from Joolie. When you get to the end of the list, please honor this long-gone era with a moment of silence:
- “I am all aloooone. There’s no one here to gui-i-ide me. My friends have all gone. There’s no one here besi-i-ide me.”
- Secret Password: TURKEY
- Remember that jingle that said “buuuuuuuuuuy Mennen”—well I keep saying biiiiiiiiiiii-polar in my head to that tune. In a related note, I think I might watch too much TV.
- Just ate a huge bowl of ice cream after calling my husband an asshole. To his face. LOUDLY. At midnight. I seriously need to rethink my life choices.
- If I had a yacht, I would name it the S.S. BITE ME, and I would christen it with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth.
- Name this tune: “Three hams will thrill him. Three hams will kill him. Why don’t you give him…….THREE HAMS?”
- Remember when life was all about eating day-old bagels and tricking roommates into doing our dishes?
- Tomorrow I will be playing the part of an exhausted mother who eats cold pizza for breakfast in my morning conference call.
- Want to know what I would do with a drunken sailor earl-i in the morning? Let the dog bite him. The drunken bastard deserves it.
- What the world needs now is more tender vittles.
- Am I still allowed to be pissed that I was the only Village Person for Halloween, and therefore just a cowboy for Halloween?
- Did I tell you about how a haunted Cutco knife almost bagel-ed me to death? They are on my list of creepy things: identical twins, robots, construction cranes, and the Cutco knife cult.
- Ummmm… theoretically, how would one turn off a hall of mirrors?
- Are you aware that I stalk Fanta Black Currant soda on the Interwebs?
- Dance off pants off. Now.
- Hot B A N A N A S
- Screw Earth and its delicious bagels.
- No one has called me Ernie in years. Level with me—have I lost my touch?
- If you make the dough to quick, bibby-bobbkas make you sick.
- This one time, I saw a guy neuter a goat.
- Have you noticed that every comedian on earth hates Carrot Top? Can’t blame them. I kind of do too.
- I don’t care what any cheese snoot thinks. My favorite cheese is cheddar. CHEDDAR. Yah baby.
- If I am M.I.A. tomorrow, there’s a decent chance that the aliens finally came for me.
- Soooooooo…what’re the odds that I could be seeing the northern lights in here?