Important Life Lessons


  • When you enter a party and find something unexpected there, count to 10 before you speak.
  • If a guy wears pants that are way too tight, don’t befriend him—you won’t be able to get past it.
  • Don’t make ironic/kitschy “rock-on” hand gestures—they get stuck, and before you know it you’ll be greeting people with them.
  • Be cool; stay in school.
  • When someone comes downstairs in the middle of the night wearing a white robe and telling you to BE QUIET, you better effing listen.
  • Don’t ever order a drink by the color. It’s especially crucial not to order a “something blue” at a dive bar.
  • Make sure you have and then refine a stupid human trick (flipping the bird with your toes, moving your eyeballs in opposite directions, clicking your heels together like a leprechaun, etc.). It’s amazing how often this can come in handy.
  • Nurture a personal catch phrase, such as “That’s what she said,” or “Hot bananas,” or “Brick Hooooouse.”
  • Don’t ever discount genetics.
  • Don’t let your tabs expire. Jail. Just saying.
  • Don’t fall asleep with a cough drop in your mouth.
  • Leads are for closers.
  • Don’t judge a book by its cover. Unless it has Fabio on it.
  • When purchasing cosmetics from some ridiculously expensive mall makeup kiosk, ALWAYS get a good gift with purchase.
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