Close Encounters of the Cubicle Kind

I would like to discuss an issue I am having.

It all started a few months back. I was in the office, my mind occupied, zipping around a corner, and I smacked into some guy who works for the same company. Hard. Unfortunately, I do this to people a few times a year. I think a lifetime of being short has tricked me into thinking I can clodhopp around the world in any way I want and it won’t impact anyone. Not true. At least this time I didn’t knock him into a wall or make him drop anything.

But I digress….

I gave the usual “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” and so on, but he said nothing, obviously quite embarrassed to have some woman chest ram him while he’s just walking down a hallway and going about his business.

About 2 minutes later, we happened to be waiting for the elevator together. He was on his phone, and clearly trying to pretend he was not aware to be in the presence of the middle-linebacker lady he just encountered. No eye contact. At all. The whole elevator ride. As a side note, our cars were parked two cars away from each other. Still, nada.

This particular day, I went to get a haircut after work at one of those shishi salons. I checked in, put on one of the smocks they give everyone, and waited for my stylist. Low and behold, there he was. AGAIN. There was a moment of shocked recognition, but then he diverted his eyes immediately, clearly horrified. I’m not sure if he was embarrassed to be accidently stalked by Le Bureau Bête or embarrassed because he was wearing a shishi salon smock, but either way, the avoidance game had reached a new level. I tried to smile at him or at least acknowledge his presence, but pretty soon I felt like I was just staring at him creepily and making him uncomfortable, so I picked up a magazine and resigned to cooperate and deny we were in the same room or had any idea who each other was.

Here’s the thing: I now see this person in the office sometimes, and we’ve both committed heavily to the “let’s pretend this isn’t happening” motif. I’ll go to grab a coffee cup in the break room, and turn around…there he is. I’ll be waiting for a conference room to open up, and out he walks. I will turn a corner in the hallway, and he’ll twitch. In short, I get hit with an awkward bomb repeatedly.

So, here are my options, as I see them:

  1. I allow this to continue, because he’s obviously traumatized that I perpetrated a full frontal assault, and he either doesn’t want to acknowledge that it ever happened or he’s now afraid of me.
  2. I get in his face and say, “Why you gotta be like that, Boo?”
  3. I just ram into him again and say, “Now you can’t pretend I don’t exist, BITCH.”
  4. The next time I see him, I chase after him saying, “Remember me? I’m the lady who almost took you out in the hallway a few months ago. Want to be friends?”
  5. I leave a cake on his desk that says, “Happy That-Crazy-Lady-at-the-Office-Didn’t-Crash-into-Me-Today day.”
  6. I start writing him love letters and staring at him over the walls of his cube, only to duck slowly when he notices me.
  7. Other.

So, what do you think? What’s the best course of action? Also, should I have Sushi or Indian for lunch tomorrow? I can’t decide.

Thanks in advance for your sage advice.

-Joolie

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7 Responses to Close Encounters of the Cubicle Kind

  1. Roolie says:

    Roolie here. Couldn’t it be as easy as a handshake? “HI. I’m Joolie. Nice to meet you.” ? Oy vey.

  2. I opt for #3…

    – K.

  3. Aubry Z says:

    Give him the “whatsup bro” eyebrow nod when you see him. It’s kind of like when you see someone you’ve slept with. Be the letch first and you’ll always have the upper hand.

  4. Kathryn says:

    Just nonchalantly say “hi” whenever you see him. Unless he’s fully dedicated to being freaked out by the series of coincidences, he should gradually relax. It’s that or the cake.

    Oh, and Indian. Definitely. 🙂

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